Are you in a Catch-22 too? Do you understand absurdism, damned if you do damned if you don’t undercurrent of hidden guilt? its endless effects turning us around like a leaf in a stream?

My psyche has been in a raging stream since 2022. I became aware that what happened to me a long time ago was rape. My psyche creative writing process led me down a long road to call this general violence Commanda R.

Commanda R is a month of future posts. Here’s what I’d like you to know now. Commanda R stands for rape, war, and the word containment slur 4 sexual women that rhymes with war, door, more, fore, score. (plenty more on that untamed war) Do not push my river for it cannot be Instagram’d alone.

messy is every rape story

If I ask to create from messiness? If I don’t follow my nose, don’t create peace from mess? Slammed if I do, slammed if I don’t. That’s the Catch-22. It would be EASIER hell if I protested /publicly slammed the man who aggressed upon me, rallied the women SICK OF IT and over it onto my side, and didn’t bother MUCH with my own mess. CRITICALLY NECESSARY ACTION STILL yet…

I must yield. To new paths. Sow?

I can’t do that. Publicly out him ONLY without reaching to men from the get. My heart points me to… Things rarely said. On this. From the give. Because it is so SO SO SO hard. And I feel like I’m narking on feminists. That’s the messy survivor story tone. My NUDY is my phone home. Courage, please. I haven’t told you barely anything yet because that’s the way of non-linear sideways dancing in the rain. Mystery is ordinary non-linear.

I am not a hero. I don’t need to know the way home. I want life beyond the Thunderdome. For me, that’s revoking guilt. That’s my peacemaking. We don’t know how we do. That. That’s risk.

I’ll be repeating this often ~ you are NOT on a linear writing plane. I am following my nose out of emo*hell. My situation is NOT dire (anymore) and yet those not initiated don’t know…this >>>

Messy is every rape and other violence story. You are not here to follow a future superstar, you are here to support. Here to catch a spark for your own road. I support the world by revoking the guilt of shamed violence in me; you support me doing that. Doing my own thing on my road.

And thank you.

Mary Jane, 54, following my own road

Messy survivor
My Sixteen Candles haircut
Love imperfectly

p.s. I’ve had one “salon” haircut since 2016. I am grateful through my unpainted toes to be alive. I am totally cool if you are polished to the red carpet get-out. Because it takes every single kind. Kindness asks to use us all.

(((A)))